Five Stages of the Divorce Grief Cycle: Understanding the Emotional Journey of Separation
When a relationship ends, particularly a long-term marriage, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re grieving a loss. Divorce is a life changing event that can feel like the death of a relationship or the loss of a loved one, triggering a complex cycle of emotions similar to mourning.
In England and Wales, while the legal process of divorce has become more streamlined through no-fault divorce, the emotional journey remains deeply personal and often difficult. During the divorce grief cycle, it is normal to experience a wide range of feelings, such as guilt, sadness, anger, and vulnerability. Understanding the five stages of the divorce grief cycle can help you make sense of what you’re feeling and give you the tools to begin healing.
1. Denial: “This isn’t really happening.”
What It Feels Like (First Stage of Divorce Grief Cycle):
You feel emotionally numb or in disbelief.
You might carry on as though everything is fine, avoiding the truth of the separation.
You delay practical decisions because you’re struggling to accept the situation.
Why It Happens:
Denial is a defence mechanism. It gives your brain time to absorb the shock of divorce, especially if the decision came unexpectedly or you were holding out hope for reconciliation. As the shock wears off, reality begins to set in and denial starts to fade.
What to Do:
Give yourself time to process the reality.
Talk to trusted friends, a therapist, or a mediator - especially if communication with your ex-partner is difficult.
Avoid making big decisions while in this stage, unless absolutely necessary.
2. Anger: “How could they do this to me?”
What It Feels Like:
You feel resentment, blame, or even rage.
You may focus on your ex-partner’s behaviour, perceived injustices, or past arguments.
Anger can be directed inward too - you might blame yourself.
Why It Happens:
Anger is a natural response to loss and injustice. It can mask deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or betrayal.
What to Do:
Channel your anger into healthy outlets - exercise, journaling, or counselling.
Be mindful of your children - shield them from parental conflict. Sometimes, anger can lead one parent to refuse to let the other parent spend time with their children, which can complicate co-parenting arrangements and harm the relationship with the other parent.
Mediation can help create a safe, neutral space to manage disagreements without escalating hostility.
3. Bargaining: “Maybe we can fix this…”
What It Feels Like:
You fantasise about getting back together or believe things could return to how they were.
You might make emotional or practical compromises in an attempt to reverse the separation.
There’s often a sense of guilt or “what if” thinking.
Why It Happens:
This stage represents an attempt to regain control. It’s a way to delay the pain of acceptance by imagining alternative outcomes.
What to Do:
Recognise bargaining as a part of the healing process, not necessarily a solution.
Reflect on whether reconciliation is truly in your best interest - emotionally, practically, and financially.
Mediation can be useful to explore co-parenting arrangements, rather than rekindling a broken relationship. The mediation process helps both parties work towards an agreement, and any agreements reached can be formalised to provide clarity and stability.
4. Depression: “I feel lost and alone.”
What It Feels Like:
You may experience sadness, lethargy, trouble sleeping, or a loss of motivation.
Daily tasks can feel overwhelming.
There’s a deep sense of loss, loneliness, or fear of the future.
Why It Happens:
At this point, the reality of the divorce sets in. The loss of shared dreams, routines, and identity can trigger deep grief.
What to Do:
Seek support from a therapist or mental health professional. Emotional pain is a normal part of this stage, and seeking help is helpful and can make you feel supported during this difficult time.
Avoid isolating yourself - join divorce support groups or talk to others who’ve been through it.
Focus on small, manageable goals to regain confidence and rebuild your life.
5. Acceptance: “It’s over, and I’m okay.”
What It Feels Like:
You start to let go of resentment and accept the relationship has ended.
You feel more in control of your future.
You may even begin to feel optimistic again - ready to rebuild your identity and explore new relationships.
You notice progress as you adapt to your new circumstances and collaborate with your former spouse to move forward positively.
Why It Happens:
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re “over it”, but rather that you’ve made peace with what happened. It’s a turning point toward emotional independence.
What to Do:
Begin making longer-term plans for your finances, housing, and parenting.
If children are involved, build a co-parenting relationship that’s respectful and child-focused.
Mediation is a great tool in this stage to finalise child or financial arrangements fairly and amicably.
Final Thoughts: Everyone Grieves at Their Own Pace
The divorce grief cycle isn’t linear - you might revisit certain stages more than once. Not everyone experiences the stages of the divorce grief cycle in the same way or at the same pace. What’s important is that you acknowledge your emotions, seek support, and take practical steps toward rebuilding your life. Divorce is a challenging chapter, but with the right support and resources, it can be navigated and managed.
At Digital MIAM, we understand that divorce is not just a legal formality - it’s a deeply human process. That’s why we offer compassionate, fully online mediation services to help you resolve issues around children, finances, and communication.
Need Help Moving Forward?
Whether you’re at the beginning of your separation or struggling with arrangements for your children, we’re here to help. Seeking professional help and advice during your divorce or separation can make a significant difference in navigating complex emotional and legal situations.
Book a MIAM online – get started within 48 hours
Resolve parenting or financial disputes with expert mediators
Save time, money and stress compared to going to court
Our Digital MIAM team understands the emotional and practical challenges you may be facing and is here to offer guidance and support.
Frequently Asked Questions: Divorce & Emotional Wellbeing
Q: How long does it take to get over a divorce emotionally?
A: It varies from person to person. Some may begin to heal within months, while for others it can take years. Seeking therapy, support groups, and professional mediation can help accelerate recovery.
Q: Can mediation help even if I’m still angry with my ex?
A: Yes. Mediators are trained to work with high-conflict situations and can create a calm, neutral, and less stressful environment for parents to resolve practical issues during mediation sessions.
Q: Is it normal to feel like I’m grieving even if I initiated the divorce?
A: Absolutely. Grief isn’t always about being left - it’s about losing a shared future, family unit, or personal identity. A relationship breakdown affects all family members and families, and support is available for parents and children to rebuild their lives after divorce or separation.
Q: What is a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM)?
A: An assessment meeting, known as a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), is a preliminary step in family mediation. It provides mediation information and assesses whether mediation is suitable, especially in cases involving child arrangements or concerns about domestic abuse.
Q: What is family mediation and how does it help?
A: Family mediation is a process for resolving disputes during divorce or separation. It involves family members, including parents and children, and focuses on the child's best interests. Family mediation helps families address practical and emotional issues, supporting everyone to move forward.
Q: Who can conduct a MIAM?
A: Only mediators accredited by the Family Mediation Council can conduct a MIAM and sign the attendance form required for court applications.
Q: What is child inclusive mediation?
A: Child inclusive mediation involves including the child's voice in mediation sessions to help determine child arrangements, ensuring the child's perspective is considered in decisions affecting them.
Q: What financial support is available for mediation?
A: Financial support for mediation includes the family mediation voucher scheme, which provides up to £500 towards the cost of family mediation sessions, and legal aid for individuals on a low income. Legal aid can help cover the costs of mediation, MIAMs, and related services, making mediation more accessible.